What Was I Thinking???

Sometimes I marvel at my own stupidity.

I'm an intelligent, well-read, well-informed adult. I have lived with my body and mind for lo, these many moons.  You would think I would have known better.

But it came back to bite me,  big time...

What, you say????

Well, I decided to give up taking anti-depressants in July.

BIG MISTAKE.  HUGE.  REALLY REALLY DUMB.

Ok, there was rationale behind such a decision.  And not the typical "I'm feeling great so I don't need them anymore" scenario that one often hears.

Let me fill you in...

Back about 8 years ago, I was on my eternal  quest to lose weight.  And so my general practitioner had me try Meridia.  Well, that blew my blood pressure through the roof...so I had to stop taking it.

Now the ex-husband just happened to be with me at my appointment, and HE asked the doctor if there was anything else I could take because (and boy do I remember THESE words) "she's acting like she was when she was 21."  (Ah, isn't hindsight a lovely thing? But I digress....)

Well, that led to a small discussion 'twixt me and my MD. Seems that I have what we love to call in the family "sloppy synapses".   That lovely neurotransmitter Seratonin has trouble getting cleanly through my brain from point A to point B, which in turn causes the fluctuations in mood I have felt all my life.

Yes, all my life.  I remember quite clearly an episode when I was 10.  I worried myself sick over some silly elementary school test.   I have often described it as feeling like I was in a deep well.    I could always hear people up on top of the ground, speaking to me, having a good time, but I could never quite get up to the lip of the well to join in with everyone's party.

So Doc put me on Lexapro. It is an SSRI- (that would be Selective Seratonin Re-uptake Inhibitor, for those of you interested in technical jargon) ... it's the stuff that lets the "happy mood juice" jump cleanly around your brain.   OH I KNOW IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT, BUT WORK WITH ME PEOPLE!!! I'm liberal arts, remember????  And I could, as I say, get out of the well.  For the first time in my life.

It was a miracle.

Flash forward to last June.  I began to wonder whether it was my brain that needed the SSRI , or if it was the (now ex-) husband to whom I had been married causing all the ups and downs of my moods.

So I decided to perform a little experiment on myself.  I slowly weaned myself off the lexapro over a month, and waited to see what happened.  I told Doc what I was doing, and he didn't say a word.  Just nodded, made a note of it in my medical records, and smiled.  He knows better than to try to talk me out of something once I've made my mind up.

Now, for those of you who aren't bosom buddies,  let me quickly explain what's going on in my  life right now.

My youngest child is off to college (the last baby bird to fly the nest).
I am alone in the nest (no partner).
I am selling my house of 12 years (where my kids have been since they were wee children).
I am changing careers (from mommy to who knows WHAT).
I have an ENORMOUS mortgage and an ex who is....well, that's for a future post.
My other child is graduating college, getting married, and moving 3500 miles away.
And presently, in Louisiana I am living with MY MOTHER until my home in Georgia sells.

On the Holmes and Rahe Stress scale, I score a MINIMUM of 327.

Which basically means my head should have exploded by now.

Looking back on the past 2 months...what the HELL was I thinking?

I guess it was about 4 weeks ago that I started to become a total basket case.  Not sleeping. Feeling nauseous if I didn't eat, having heartburn if I did.  Oh, just go read a few of the last dozen or so non-travel posts....you'll see it all over the screen.

Still, I thought of my buddhist practices.  Stay in the moment.  Try to use the emotions.  Don't run away from pain.  Go toward it, embrace it, work with it, work through it.  Use it to understand and help someone else.

Yes that helped.

Then the crying started.

Not the grief-heaving sobs of when Alix left.  This was tears at any moment.  For no reason.  They lasted about 90 seconds and happened anywhere from twice a day to every 15 minutes.  Always worse when I was hungry, lonely, or tired.  (As my darling friend Kris pointed out to me, add "angry" into this mix and you have the CLASSIC alcoholic/addict vulnerability scenario.)

Still convinced this was just an "I'm going through a lot of change" phase, I kept waiting for it to get better. Until last Wednesday when my brain chemicals and I had what we call here in Georgia a "Come to Jesus" meeting.  Or as I could more graphically put it (and apologies to anyone who is offended by the f-bomb), but it is so much more "me"--- "This is a fucking ridiculous way to lead a life" .

Thank heavens for the "Girls" at Hanging By a Thread in Shreveport. It's the new/old needlepoint store in Pierremont Common.  No, you don't know them yet, but you will get to know them.  They are my new peeps- old and new friends who squarely have me covered from all angles.  My new safe haven...my new source of income....my new clubhouse.

One particular "resident artist" (as I think we should call ourselves), my friend Johnette, advised me "Get yourself to the doctor, girlfriend. Now."

Didn't take me more than a nanosecond to make the call.  I got back to Tennille at 11pm last night. I saw Doc at 11 am  today.  (Oh, and by "Doc" I should mention that he is the brilliantly wise Dr. E. Chandler McDavid of Sandersville Family Practice.)

To his credit, Doc did not even say "I told you so".  Just nodded, made a note of it in my medical records, smiled and wrote me my 'scripts.   Ok, it was a BIG smile.  Like he DESPERATELY wanted to say "I told you so" but was biting his lip.   He said I'd start to feel better in 48 hours.

Try 48 minutes.  Ok, it's probably psychosomatic.  But I will take it.

Did I learn a lesson?

Yes.

Cut myself some slack. Don't try to be Superwoman.
Listen to my friends.  One or two of them may have been to this rodeo before.
And let your doctor be your doctor.  That's why he went to medical school.

Oh, and take my medicine.

A Backwards Catch Up

Good gracious, it's been a while since I posted... I keep meaning to, and life keeps getting in the way...

So, what have I been up to?

Well, I had a birthday yesterday!! The first one in quite a while that I spent without my kids.  I thought it was going to be rough, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated.  Isn't that always the truth?  The anticipation of things always ends up being much more difficult than the actual event.

Anyway, things started off with brunch with my mom at Another Broken Egg.  Crabmeat Eggs Benedict.



Can you say "yum"?????

Then after playing with the girls at the Needlepoint Shoppe (more on that later) I had some wine with my friend Jennifer then it was dinner with CruiseGran, my brother Ed, sister-in-law Julie, and their girls Emerson and Ella.  Ella, of course, is all about a party......



And I had creme brulee for dessert.



 Surprised?


But backwards we must go (as Yoda would phrase it).  As I announced a few weeks ago, I have decided to move back to my hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana.  The process is taking a while, though, and I see now that I will be back and forth between Maison Cou Rouge East and Maison Cou Rouge West for several months at least.  Yes, the house is on the market, but no one has looked at it yet.  It's a big house, so it will take a while to sell.  Put that with AJ's and Anna-Grace's wedding in May, and Alix still getting used to being at college....well, all good things will occur in their right time.  I've decided to stop fighting the conflict inside me and just let life occur organically, as it were.

So I go back and forth between locales, staying at my mom's in Shreveport, and the house in Tennille.  It's a bitch of a drive- 11 hours if I time going through Atlanta correctly--and the last two hours of the trip always start playing with my mind.

I left on Tuesday, having loaded my much-loved  smartcar with everything I needed for the next week or so...



(I think I deserve a smartcar commercial, don't you?)

But before leaving Georgia, I spent last weekend in Atlanta, camping out with AJ and Anna-Grace.  I got my "kid fix" --spending some FABULOUS time with both the "Big Pair" and the "Little Pair".

Friday, I went up to visit the Gourmet Market at AmericasMart....where I learned to transform this...



into THIS.



It was also Tech's Parents' Weekend,  so it was dinner with Alix, Wesley, and Alix's roommate Casey and her mom.  We went to Steele and had sushi.



Notice how the sushi roll in the front looks like a caterpillar???

On Saturday, we had a Fiji Tailgate before the football game- hadn't been to one of those is YEARS!





All great fun!!!

What am I doing with all my time in between driving back and forth?

Well, I am doing a LOT of needlepoint-related things.  The new owner of Shreveport's Needlepoint Shoppe, Stacy,  is an incredibly creative dynamo.  We have really hit it off.  She has lots of great ideas, and has asked me to help with some in-house designing and social networking for the shop.  Plus, all us stitchers have so much fun together....



that I never want to leave!  So there are lots of projects in the works, websites and blogs to be created, canvas painting to be done, and general mirth and merriment!

So, SLOWLY, but  ever so surely, I am beginning to, as my clever brother Ed says "to cobble a living together."  A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little paycheck here, a little paycheck there....

And before I know it, the empty nest syndrome and relocation will be behind me, I will be settled in a new place, in a new home.

Nuthin' like an adventure, is there????

2012 SFC-The Way Home

Our second day in Odessa saw three of our group--Alix, Mary Cecile and I--participating in Crystal Cruises' You Care We Care voluntourism excursion.

And it was one of the most moving excursions of my life.

The Way Home is a non-governmental agency providing "an organization helping homeless adults, children and drug users find a better way of life by providing medical assistance, psychological support and legal services." (quotes courtesy of Crystal's shore excursion brochure).



We, a small group of 8, boarded our minivan and threaded our way through the streets of Odessa, past the fancy parts, and  into a quieter section of the city.



Behind this gate are some pretty amazing people doing some incredible things to help humanity.  I can't put it more simply than that.

The courtyard of "The Way Home".  In particular, the Center for Children in Crisis.




This particular branch of the organization provides living accommodations for up to 25 children.  These are children who were living on the street, for whatever reason- drug abuse, family violence, abandonment.  In this safe place, children are offered compassion, counseling, friendship, guidance-- in short, a loving, encouraging environment where they can cast off the horrors to which they have been exposed in their short lives and become strong, productive, and caring members of society.

They share dorm-style rooms.



And they are encouraged to have pets.  Caring for another living thing has been shown to help heal victims of abuse.



The on-site social worker--I wish I had written down her name!



She seems hardly old enough to be able to be a counselor...and that's the idea.  She is seen by the children as a big sister, facilitating the talking process, and therefore, the healing.

I was moved that part of our merry band was a family of four- parents who brought their two boys along.  I feel it's so important for those of us who have so VERY much see that there is much work to be done in the world.



Our guide, Elena (in blue) was our translator for the facility director (in white).



As you can see, the facility is clean and bright.



And the children, from the youngest to oldest, were so welcoming.  They had prepared dances and songs for us.



The older adults are tutors, choreographers, and theatre directors.



Here, the tutor/football coach and the artistic director played translators in an entertaining way.



There is much love among the residents.



The older children prepared a presentation of the work of "The Way Home" and their several facilities all over Odessa.



Alix and Celie inspect the "Craft Corner" where gifts handmade by the children can be purchased.



In one of the most moving meetings of the excursion, two boys who were the same age as Mary Cecile (10 years old) were brave enough to tell us their stories of living on the street and how they came to the Crisis Center.



As a mother, hearing their stories just about broke my heart.  I think they had a tremendous impact on both Celie and Alix, too.

Then it was time for some fun.



The center is also open for children to be dropped off during the day, as in-crisis parents go about the process of healing.  There are lots of kids to play and entertain.



And, isn't it always interesting how a smile and fun don't need translators?

The older girls taught Alix a fun game involving timing and concentration....resulting in HOWLS of laughter.



And then Alix got Celie to join in.



The trick is to go back and forth, patting thighs in order.  It is HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.



A smile is a smile in any language...



And nothing is more attention-grabbing than a box full of new kittens.



Could Mary Cecile have a bigger smile?



This is what brings me joy.  A smattering of English is all that was needed to communicate.  Children amaze me.



Elena with Alix and Mary Cecile at the end of an incredible excursion.



I can't say enough about how deeply moved I was visiting "The Way Home".  This organization receiving NO government funding, works with so little and achieves so much.  They not only work with children, but also with HIV/AIDS prevention and medical care to the homeless community.  Their mission is a noble one.

If you'd like to read more about "The Way Home", here are some articles...

Unicef
The Digital Journalist
Volunteering in Odessa

It reminded me, once again, how much I have, and how large the world is.  I encourage any of you out there reading this to make a donation to "The Way Home" or, if you'd rather, send a care package to the address on their website. They can use anything from craft supplies to dance costumes.

And, once again, I am reminded of Mother Teresa's statement "We can do no great things....only small things with great love."

And thank you, once again, Crystal Cruises , for bringing me the gift of the world...in all its colors and shapes and sizes.

2012 SFC- "Best in the World" Odessa

Returning to our family trip this summer...

We sailed into Odessa, Ukraine ready to take our special day-long family trip.  Our brilliant travel agent, Teri Crane of World Travel Management in Los Angeles, set up a wonderful full day of exploration, and we enjoyed every minute.





Our guide Yuriy of Odessa Private Tours met us dockside and loaded us into our private van, and we were off to the village of Nerubayskoye  for a tour of the Catacombs.

Yuriy was WONDERFUL in his explanation of the history of the partisans during World War II, the underground Soviet army fort,  and how living underground was their only means of survival.

The entrance to the Catacombs...there are over 650 miles...yes MILES..of tunnels.



We wandered and wandered through the dimly lit, narrow corridors...



...trying to imagine how people slept,



gathered,



and worked,



in such desperate surroundings.





Not simply partisans, resistance fighters, soldiers....but whole families lived in the catacombs--as evidenced by this underground schoolroom.



Back above ground, we picked up our additional tour guide, Elena.  Elena will be remembered for a long time in our family.  She was a one-woman Chamber of Commerce for Odessa...in truth, Odessa's Cheerleader without peer! "The Best In The World"!!!!

Here's a fellow who is near and dear to my heart.



Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin.

(My  baccalaureate thesis for my Russian major was "Romantic Concepts in the Major Works of Lermontov and Pushkin.  I spent a LOT of time with dear old Alexander Serge'ich.)   Pushkin lived in Odessa and wrote many of his famous works there.

My cousins get up close with the great poet.



As does Alix.



Then Elena trotted us to "the most beautiful opera house in the world."



Note, please,  our enthusiasm.  Lunch was waiting.



I totally forgot to get the name of the restaurant, but obviously, it was a great spot--my friend, Crystal Serenity's Head Sommelier Bart, took his posse out to lunch there, as well..so we were a merry band of non-Ukranians.

Lunch was yummy-- with lots of interesting translations...



...and I was able to try kvass (a slightly fermented beverage made from black bread) for the first time.



There was also the traditional vodka with pickle and black bread chaser.



Next stop, another fascinating "best in the world" stop with Elena.  This is a "best in the world" well of some sort.  Elena can tell you all about it.  Lord knows, she told us.



Some pretty impressive columns.



Yes, they are  of "the best in the world" construction.

This must be some "best in the world" graffiti.



In reality, it was a terrific day--beautiful weather, hanging with the family along the Black Sea...

So maybe it WAS a "best in the world" day!!!